25 Methodically Thought Out Things About Me.

1. I was born on January 21st, 1982 after my mother was in labor for 46 hours. She resoundingly stated, "If he moves to Chicago and decides to start doing comedy, this birth was all for naught. I'll kill him."

2. Mary Brown does not know my current Chicago address.

3. When I was three, I lived in a city in Wisconsin called New Holstein. This moment remains the Sconniest I've ever been.

4. One afternoon in August, I was playing in my backyard in New Holstein. It was next to a cornfield that went on for acres. I disappeared from my mother's sight. The police were called and they sent a helicopter to look for me. The entire time I was hiding in a cupboard, y'know, as a goof.

5. Mary Brown does not want to know my current Chicago address.

6. In my fourth year, I lived in Boston for ten months. For many years, I considered it my hometown because I was a child and children are stupid.

7. In my fifth year, I moved back to Black River Falls where my parents first met. Most statements I made to other children started with, "Well, in Boston we used to..."

8. When I was five, most statements made toward me by other children started with, "Shut up queer, I'm going to kick your..."

9. By Kindergarten, I could read the newspaper and proudly shared this information with my other elementary school classmates. I was attending an institution of learning and I wanted to use my aptitude to help my peers.

10. By Kindergarten, most statements made toward me by other children started with, "Shut up smartypants, I'm going to punch your..." I considered this an improvement over kicking, as children cannot punch very well.

11. In First Grade, my elementary school started taking part in "Tornado Awareness Week" and "Indian Awareness Week." At six years of age, I understood how racism is really funny and really sad.

12. While in First Grade, Brandon Puttbrese and I had a contest: whomever made the tallest sandcastle during recess would win Laura Brown's hand in childhood dating. While my sandcastle was easily the tallest, Laura starting seeing Brandon.

13. Laura Brown is a heart-breaking trollop and Brandon Puttbrese is a disingenuous prick.

14. In First Grade, my teacher said, "Its Indian Awareness Week, does anyone know what that means?" A student named B------ P-------- replied, "You gotta watch out for them Indians."

15. Brandon Puttbrese remains one of my closest friends. This is the first instance of what has become a regular behavior of self-loathing.

16. In Second Grade, we were given personal journals into which we could write anything we wanted; it was to be our secret diary. I wrote comically pornographic stories about members of my class I didn't like.

17. During recess, I was called inside and chastised for writing "garbage". I asked my teacher why she read my secret diary. Her answer was detention.

18. In Second Grade, I stopped trusting authority figures.

19. In Second Grade, my parents took me to Disney World during the summer.

20. After going to Disney World, I decided authority figures that take you on vacations can not only be trusted but incredibly valuable.

21. Grades Three through Five were uneventful except for my growth of pubic hair.

22. In Sixth Grade, I kissed Elizabeth Brandt in the basement of my church. Shortly afterward, I washed out my mouth. This would not be my first moment of heresy.

23. In Seventh and Eighth Grade, I got really into The Grateful Dead and Phish. I now know, like children, middle-schoolers are quite stupid.

24. Grade Nine through Eleven were actually eventful as a girl saw my pubic hair.

25. Since the Second Grade, I have continually wrote comically pornographic stories and as a result Mary Brown still does not know my current Chicago address.