2.18.2009

Dating Advice From Little Lord Fauntleroy



Ah, springtime is nigh around the corner and it should come as no surprise that minds will give way to matters of the heart. No you silly goose, not cardiac arrest, but the act of being arrested in love!

I, Little Lord Fauntleroy, have decided to share a few share some tips and tricks to fetching the attention of a new beau or jo.

Firstly, dress-to-the-nines everyday. Only festal garb bedecked in the finest velvets and silks will catch the eye of a potential suitor. Women, only the most lavish French couture will suffice. Gentlemen, I cannot oversell the necessity of a fine codpiece. But, nothing unbecomingly stupendous, otherwise you'll not be cumming then, stupid.

Titter, titter, titty.

Now, once the proper attire and accouterments have been obtained, put out an order into the meeting market. Perambulate yourself to the closest salon/public house/emporium. Now it is time to offer your wares. But be wary of sycophants as they usually offer syphilis.

Cackle, cackle, cuckold.

Lastly, and most importantly, you must take your new playmate into your bedding chambers. Now it is time to consummate your bonking. While many prefer a contraceptive, most are receptive to hump like dogs

Guffaw, guffaw, Guy Fawkes

You have now been informed on how to date, now go forth and procreate.

Pooh-pooh, pooh-pooh, Turd.

2.15.2009

The Comments I Made After Awesome Car Funmaker's Last Show.



As we have witnessed Awesome Car Funmaker's last show, I would like to make a remission on the behalf of Ryan Corcoran. According to an article from the Isthmus, the name Awesome Car Funmaker came from some notion Justin had while in the bathroom... probably checking his glucose levels because he's a dirty diabetic.

This is untrue, not the diabetes, the name story. I used to be in ACF and have the story of the actual origin. I wanted the name of the group to be Funmaker because I was denied acceptance to an Indian pow-wow drum group because my last name was not Funmaker.

Funmaker. Rather common surname if you're Ho-Chunk, rather comical if you're not.

Myself, Ryan, Brendan and Justin all agreed Funmaker was a fantastic name. Andy Ioudechescu, the not Adam drummer, was the hold out on the name.

Andy was into racing and souped up cars. He owned a Beamer and a VW when we started the band.

I wanted to win him over on Funmaker, so I affixed Awesome Car on there to sweeten the deal and also to call him out as a douchebag. Well, the name stuck.

I lived, loved, toured and, honestly, adored these guys for a very long time. I met Brendan because he did an article on me for school. Let me reiterate that; I met him because he wrote about me for a class. That is unbearably endearing.

In closing, to quote ACF:

It is easier to leave than to be left.

But to also quote them:

Throw another log into the fire; the fire. Dinosaur. Roar, Roar, Roar.

2.07.2009

25 Methodically Thought Out Things About Me.

1. I was born on January 21st, 1982 after my mother was in labor for 46 hours. She resoundingly stated, "If he moves to Chicago and decides to start doing comedy, this birth was all for naught. I'll kill him."

2. Mary Brown does not know my current Chicago address.

3. When I was three, I lived in a city in Wisconsin called New Holstein. This moment remains the Sconniest I've ever been.

4. One afternoon in August, I was playing in my backyard in New Holstein. It was next to a cornfield that went on for acres. I disappeared from my mother's sight. The police were called and they sent a helicopter to look for me. The entire time I was hiding in a cupboard, y'know, as a goof.

5. Mary Brown does not want to know my current Chicago address.

6. In my fourth year, I lived in Boston for ten months. For many years, I considered it my hometown because I was a child and children are stupid.

7. In my fifth year, I moved back to Black River Falls where my parents first met. Most statements I made to other children started with, "Well, in Boston we used to..."

8. When I was five, most statements made toward me by other children started with, "Shut up queer, I'm going to kick your..."

9. By Kindergarten, I could read the newspaper and proudly shared this information with my other elementary school classmates. I was attending an institution of learning and I wanted to use my aptitude to help my peers.

10. By Kindergarten, most statements made toward me by other children started with, "Shut up smartypants, I'm going to punch your..." I considered this an improvement over kicking, as children cannot punch very well.

11. In First Grade, my elementary school started taking part in "Tornado Awareness Week" and "Indian Awareness Week." At six years of age, I understood how racism is really funny and really sad.

12. While in First Grade, Brandon Puttbrese and I had a contest: whomever made the tallest sandcastle during recess would win Laura Brown's hand in childhood dating. While my sandcastle was easily the tallest, Laura starting seeing Brandon.

13. Laura Brown is a heart-breaking trollop and Brandon Puttbrese is a disingenuous prick.

14. In First Grade, my teacher said, "Its Indian Awareness Week, does anyone know what that means?" A student named B------ P-------- replied, "You gotta watch out for them Indians."

15. Brandon Puttbrese remains one of my closest friends. This is the first instance of what has become a regular behavior of self-loathing.

16. In Second Grade, we were given personal journals into which we could write anything we wanted; it was to be our secret diary. I wrote comically pornographic stories about members of my class I didn't like.

17. During recess, I was called inside and chastised for writing "garbage". I asked my teacher why she read my secret diary. Her answer was detention.

18. In Second Grade, I stopped trusting authority figures.

19. In Second Grade, my parents took me to Disney World during the summer.

20. After going to Disney World, I decided authority figures that take you on vacations can not only be trusted but incredibly valuable.

21. Grades Three through Five were uneventful except for my growth of pubic hair.

22. In Sixth Grade, I kissed Elizabeth Brandt in the basement of my church. Shortly afterward, I washed out my mouth. This would not be my first moment of heresy.

23. In Seventh and Eighth Grade, I got really into The Grateful Dead and Phish. I now know, like children, middle-schoolers are quite stupid.

24. Grade Nine through Eleven were actually eventful as a girl saw my pubic hair.

25. Since the Second Grade, I have continually wrote comically pornographic stories and as a result Mary Brown still does not know my current Chicago address.